When someone you care about has cancer, every conversation can feel like a minefield. You want to say the right thing, but you're terrified of saying the wrong thing. The good news is that what matters most isn't finding perfect words — it's showing genuine care. Still, some phrases help, and some unintentionally hurt.
What to say:
"I'm here for you." Simple, direct, and powerful. It doesn't promise a cure or minimize their experience. It just says: you're not alone.
"I don't know what to say, but I care about you." Honesty about your own uncertainty is far better than a forced platitude. It shows vulnerability and authenticity.
"Can I bring you dinner on Wednesday?" Specific offers of help are gold. They don't require the person to think or plan. They just have to say yes or no.
"Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather we talk about something else?" This gives them control. Some days they need to process. Other days they desperately want to talk about anything other than cancer.
"I'm thinking about you." Short, sincere, no pressure to respond. A text like this can brighten someone's hardest day.
What not to say:
"Everything happens for a reason." This may come from a good place, but to someone suffering, it can feel dismissive. They don't need a reason — they need compassion.
"Stay positive!" Forced positivity can feel like pressure. It implies that their fear or sadness is somehow wrong or counterproductive. Let them feel what they feel.
"My aunt had the same thing and she..." Everyone's cancer journey is different. Comparisons, even well-intended, can increase anxiety or feel minimizing.
"You're so strong, you'll beat this." While meant to encourage, this can create pressure to perform strength. What if they don't feel strong? What if treatment doesn't go well? Let them be honest without having to live up to an expectation.
"At least it's not..." There is no "at least" in cancer. Don't rank their suffering or compare it to something worse.
The truth is, the most important thing isn't what you say — it's that you keep showing up. The friend who sends a text every week, who sits in silence during treatment, who remembers to ask again in a month when everyone else has moved on — that's the friend people remember.
When in doubt, lead with love. Say less, listen more, and never underestimate the power of simply being present.