You were their child. Their partner. Their parent. Their best friend. And in every one of those relationships, a version of yourself existed that was shaped by their presence, by the way they saw you, by the role you played in their life.
When they die, those versions of yourself are orphaned. The child who will never again be their child in the way they were. The partner who is now something harder to name. The parent who is still a parent, but differently, without them here. Part of your identity has been dissolved by their absence, and rebuilding a sense of self is one of the least discussed and most significant tasks of grief.
This is not selfishness. Grieving your own identity loss alongside the loss of the person is not making their death about you. It is being honest about the full scope of what has been taken. They were not just themselves — they were also part of the structure of who you are. Both losses are real.
Identity disruption in grief can look like: not knowing how to answer simple questions about your life. Feeling disconnected from the things and people that used to feel certain. Struggling with a sense of purpose or direction that previously felt clear. Some people describe feeling like they are nobody, or like they are acting a part in a play, without quite knowing who the character is anymore.
Rebuilding takes time and it is not a linear process. Some of the identity work happens through connection — being with people who knew the person who died and who can reflect back who you were with them. Some of it happens through continuing practices and activities that were part of who you were before. Some of it involves the slow, uncertain construction of something new.
You will not be who you were before this loss. That person existed in a world where this person was alive. But the new version of you — the one that is assembling itself in the aftermath of grief — is not a diminished version. It is a continuation. Built from the same core materials, reorganized around a new reality. And it is still, unmistakably, you.