When a family loses someone to cancer, the adults often focus so intently on their own grief — and on shielding the children from pain — that they may unintentionally leave the youngest family members without the support they need. Children feel loss deeply, even when they do not have the words to express it. And the way we help them navigate this experience can shape their relationship with grief, with love, and with their own emotions for the rest of their lives.
The most important thing you can do for a grieving child is to be honest. Children are remarkably perceptive. They sense when something is wrong, and when adults hide the truth or use vague euphemisms — "Grandma went away" or "We lost Uncle David" — it can create confusion and even more anxiety. Use clear, age-appropriate language. For young children, you might say: "Grandma's body stopped working because of the cancer, and she died. That means we won't be able to see her or talk to her anymore, but we can always remember her and love her." This honesty, while painful, gives children solid ground to stand on.
Children often grieve in bursts. A child might cry intensely for ten minutes and then ask to go play. This does not mean they are not affected — it means they process grief in smaller doses because their developing minds cannot sustain the weight of it continuously. Do not interpret their ability to play or laugh as a sign that they are "fine." And do not force them into prolonged conversations about their feelings if they are not ready. Let them come to you, and make sure they know that the door is always open.
Watch for behavioral changes rather than expecting verbal expressions of grief. A grieving child might become clingy, anxious, or unusually quiet. They might regress to earlier behaviors — bedwetting, thumb-sucking, wanting to sleep in your bed. They might act out at school or become withdrawn from friends. These are all normal expressions of grief in children. Respond with patience and reassurance, not discipline. They are not misbehaving — they are hurting.
Include children in the rituals of mourning when appropriate. Attending a funeral or memorial service, helping create a memory book, drawing pictures for the person who died, or lighting a candle together — these rituals give children a sense of participation and belonging during a time that can feel chaotic and frightening. Always give them the choice of whether to participate, and never force them into a ritual that terrifies them.
Reassure them repeatedly that the death was not their fault. Young children often engage in magical thinking and may secretly believe that something they said, did, or wished caused the death. They need to hear, clearly and more than once, that nothing they did made this happen, and that the people who love them are going to take care of them.
Finally, let your children see you grieve. You do not have to be a pillar of stoicism to be a good parent in this moment. When children see a trusted adult cry, talk about sadness, and then eventually find moments of comfort and even laughter, they learn that grief is survivable. They learn that it is safe to feel their feelings. They learn that love endures even after loss. And those are some of the most important lessons you will ever teach them.